Click HERE, for some superb Peter Kay jokes...

Doctor Doctor, I've got an absess in my stomach, and everytime I break wind it sounds like a motorbike.

Doctor: Well, surely you've heard the saying "Absess makes the farts go Honda".

News Flash - Peter Kay has been arrested for abusing a scouring pad.

Is this the way to harm a Brillo?

Prince Charles

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog More....

Burned Paddy

Paddy, the Irishman, died in a fire and was burned pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body More......

It seems a group of chess enthusiasts had completed their tournament for the day and so they all checked into a hotel. More...

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. More....

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavishs. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that More.....

Quantas Airlines

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems More.....

Man And Wife

A man and a woman leave a party in their car late one night. After a couple of miles a police car signals the man to pull over.

The policeman walks up to the couple. More...............

I was round a mates one night it was pretty late and he had this cat it was looking kinda thirsty so I said ' have you got any milk or something  for it to drink' ' no all Ive got is petrol'

so he pours the petrol into a bowl, the cat drinks it, all suddenly the cat gets this sort of crazed look and starts running aound the place knocking over chairs, tables and what ever is in its way. suddenly there is this big crash and the cat bounces off the wall and lands on the floor laying motionless.

I said ' are you not going to check the cat to see what is wrong?.

no he said  ' he's only run out of petrol' (Thanks Mum)

40,000 Scousers meet in Stanley Park for a "Scousers Are Not Stupid" convention.

Steven Gerrard says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" More............

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're all staring at a man sitting on his own, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, but not one of them recognise him, and they are getting annoyed. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" More.........

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Essex Dictionary

Alma chizzit: A request to find the cost of an item.

Amaant: Quantity; sum total ("Thezza yuge amaant of mud in Saffend").

Assband: Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc. More.....

A man had great tickets for the FA cup final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. More.............

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type More.....

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it More.......

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking sir?"

Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively More.....

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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. More.......