I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last  week, phoned  her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

>>Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the  c raft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

>>So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he  said "OK then", I said Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're  closest".

>>You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.  

>>The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,  I said "Did you get my drift?".

>>So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said  "Those are pickled onions".

>>I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

>>So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

>>So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach  me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't  make Tuesdays".

>>But I'll tell you what I love doing more than  anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

>>So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

>>So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a  red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like  diamonds". I said Waiter, I  asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

>>But I'm in great mood tonight because the  other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

>>So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

>>You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

>>So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want  to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

>>So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov  (world chess  champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

>>He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

>>Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

>>And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

>>So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and  woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

>>So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a  train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

>>Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi  - get out! We don't want your type in here"

>>A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but start anything"

>>A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.  The barman says, "Is this  some kind of joke?"

>>A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

>>Dyslexic man walks into a bra

>>A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac  under his arm and says:  "Pint please, and one for the road."

>>A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the  Old West. He slides up  to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

>>A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament  victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them  to disperse. But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said  "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

>>There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one  of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

>>A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a  picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband  responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."